Today somebody asked me what is was exactly I wanted. This was after we’d had a conversation about how trying to set up a business in the “normal” way, i.e. following in the footsteps of those who were already successful, hadn’t worked for me. I constantly find myself trying to bend what seems right to me to fit their world view.
The only time I feel I am on the right track is by letting go most of what I’ve learned about the right way of setting up a business and taking one step at a time. Not necessarily the best step but the one that appeals to me most in that moment and is right in front of me.
After he’d asked the question there was a long silence where I my racked my brain to think what it was I wanted so I could reply. In the end I responded that I really didn’t know. “I can only go back to what I keep going back to”, I said “which is what I’m actually enjoying in the moment. That’s conversations and just seeing where they will go, if anywhere”.
His response was that I would benefit from a coach 🙂 and something along the lines “as long as you’re confused and uncertain then that’s what you’ll be putting out and that’s what you’ll be getting back”. He has a point.
If I look at “the business” as a whole, as a big thing out there and try to work out who my ideal client is, what my message is, what I want to sell etc. I end up confused and unclear. At this point I simply don’t know. I have ideas but nothing that feels so right I want to make it happen.
On the other hand, when I’m just taking the next step like writing a single blog post, or creating an image or being in conversation with people without trying to make it significant, what I’m putting out is clear. I’m writing from the here and now or deeply connected with the flow of a conversation. In the smaller day to day I know what I am about. In the present things get created.
The shocker came later in the day, in a different conversation with a very close friend. She’s someone who really “gets” where I’m coming from but today I was completely gobsmacked when she said “I just can’t imagine not wanting anything”!
A heated debate ensued where I described that I’d pretty much got all I wanted by my 30’s and since then I’ve played the game, on and off, of wanting, but my heart has not been in it.
I’ve known for a long time that most of the things I said I wanted I could have, if I really wanted them, but I chose not to. The only things I truly want are ones which I can’t really control such as the safety of my friends and family, health, not dying, guaranteed financial security, for example.
So then she asked the excellent question – If you have everything you want then why aren’t you happy with that, why do you feel down at times, why do you care about what you do and don’t do?
The simple answer is I’m not completely comfortable with not wanting anything.
It feels like the world is screaming at me that I need to do this, have that, want these and I find it really hard to stay on my own path and accept what is true for me. Having my friend say that she didn’t get it either was a real eye opener for me. It made me see just how far outside the norm I am in this. It’s good to know that. It’s a call to go deeper.
With this new insight it makes even more sense to keep putting out odd bits and pieces as they come up, and focus on the people who respond in some way because they resonate with it too.
Today, for instance, I put something on Twitter about giving up following my passion, my calling, my purpose etc. and just taking the next step and had a nice mini conversation with someone who also enjoyed that approach. These are the people that it makes sense to be in conversation with rather than worrying about ideal clients, my message and what I want.
[tweetthis]What is it you really want is not a question that has any relevance when you walk the unfolding path.[/tweetthis]
20 of 366 book bits