When I missed the first day I felt I’d failed. When I missed the second I started writing posts in my head apologising to you. When I missed the third I started letting myself off the hook by telling myself I didn’t actually say I’d write 366 consecutive posts, just that I’d write 366, but I still wasn’t at peace. I still felt a bit down about it.
I hadn’t lived up to my expectations. I hadn’t followed through.
I asked myself “should I make myself post something even though I don’t have anything to say”? “Would posting a quote be better than nothing”? “Am I just being lazy”? etc.
None of these questions helped and nothing was posted as a result of them!
Instead the disappointment was funnelled into an attempt to control my life elsewhere, although I didn’t notice this at the time.
Here is what happens. I feel discomfort in one area of my life and try to take control of it. If that doesn’t work that need for control gets shifted elsewhere. It’s very subtle, makes perfect sense at the time, and goes unnoticed but I end up feeling despondent.
This time I shifted my need for control to trying really hard to come up with a Twitter strategy and a plan to upgrade my website.
For the past 6 days I have been going round and round in circles with this, trying to find some clarity, trying to find a plan to do these 2 things and feeling worse and worse.
This morning, despite myself, I found I’d moved on. I’d let go of needing to control when I posted, what I posted, a strategy for Twitter and a strategy for upgrading my website. I’ve gone back to taking the next, small step. Even if it looks messy. Even if it looks chaotic, Even if it looks inefficient. I know the general direction I’m heading in right now and that’s enough.
I’ve let go of control again and am back to what’s in front of me this moment. Phew. That feels SO much better!
19 of 366 book bits