Roller Coaster Thinking

So . . . yesterday, bidding started in earnest for the Music as Therapy Charity Auction.

I came home after breakfast (I know, I know, what a fab life to be able to have breakfast with a mate before starting “work”) and saw that 19 bids had come in, including one on my ‘Carnival’ painting‘.

First reaction – Hoorah. How exciting! Someone has actually placed a bid which ended the “what if no-body bids and I’m humiliated in public” type thinking. Phew!

However, I then switched to “what if it’s a really small amount and I’m humiliated in public” type thinking. Boo!

I’d like to say that I just let that thinking pass but I didn’t. I sort of pretended but it was still at the back of my mind because I didn’t rush to open the email to check how much the bid was for.

I worked my way through the emails, updating the website as I went until it came to the bid for ‘Carnival’. I open it and . . . fanfare of trumpets . . . it’s only £10! And now I’m feeling deflated.

Later that evening another bid comes in. This time for . . . £15. And guess what . . . yep . . . I’m still feeling deflated because in the meantime I’ve checked out the other paintings in the auction and seen that they have much higher bids.

What a numpty! I’ve gone from fearing that no-one will bid to being unhappy when someone has whilst comparing myself to others. A sure recipe for disatisfaction.

The truth is we always live in the feeling of our thinking. So if I’m thinking crappy thoughts I’m going to feel crappy. It’s not whether someone bids on my picture or not that determines how I feel but my thinking about it.

Happily I’m getting better and better at noticing that, and at letting the crappy thinking pass. As a consequence, I’m happy to report that this morning I woke up feeling excited about the whole thing. My thinking was “Wow, this is amazing,  this time last year I had no idea I would even be painting, let alone having someone pay money for it”. Woohoo!


3 comments to “Roller Coaster Thinking”

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  1. Jane - 29 Nov, 2012 Reply

    So pleased you came to that conclusion of ‘Wow, this is amazing’. It is amazing! As you say, you hadn’t even painted a year ago and now you’ve got 4 people outbidding each other to buy your picture! Mind you that’s not even the point really – the main thing I’m getting from your blog is that you’re going with the process, taking a few risks & being open to where it will take you. Brilliant! I’m enjoying hearing your journey. Thank you for sharing x

  2. Katja Symons - 05 Dec, 2012 Reply

    Brilliantly put!!! Thank you!! Another positive thing: Without your roller coaster you woulndt have been able to share this naturally human experience with us 😉 And I guess, your thinking has changed again inbetweentime… and is it not the process of thoughts continuously changing that allows creativity appear in a piece of art?? How otherwise would we be able to change the colour on our paint brush if there was no new thought coming in?!….. just a thought

    • Gillian - 06 Dec, 2012 Reply

      You’re right, of course, about my thinking changing again, in between times. In fact, after I wrote the post I went into a bit of a slump which was exacerbated by my feeling fed up that I wasn’t feeling OK about it anymore. So it wasn’t so much “back on the roller coaster” as “stuck at the bottom wishing I was at the top”. 🙂 And, as is always the way, that too has passed.

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